How to Recognize a Toxic Mother: 15 Clear Signals
If you grew up with a toxic mother, chances are that you don’t see her behavior as alarming, yet you have a variety of issues regarding your self-esteem and trust and even struggle with aggression. Researchers proved that mothers have more significant influences on children than anyone else, including fathers, so that’s why it is essential to recognize that you grew up with a toxic mom and take steps to help yourself. Here are some common signs that your mother may have been toxic that will help you understand yourself better.
Withholding love
Children of toxic mothers do not experience unconditional love. These moms are withholding love for specific situations that they find suitable. If you grew up with a toxic mother, you are more likely to struggle to feel deserving of love. Children should always feel loved regardless of whether they do something silly or are being disciplined.
Neglectful parenting
Neglected children are more prone to anxiety and depression, studies showed. Neglectful mothers do not support their children’s emotional needs and lack emotional availability. There are various examples of neglect, including limiting communication with the child, not setting boundaries, or not being invested in the child’s growth (or expecting too much).
Minimizing a child’s accomplishments
Toxic moms often minimize their children’s accomplishments and make unreasonable demands to make them feel smaller. These mothers are never satisfied, and frequently, their words do not match their facial expressions or body language. These mixed signals add an extra layer of confusion to already anxious children.
Living through the child
Some toxic mothers pressure their children into living the lives they want them to live by convincing them that’s best for them. Children’s needs and wants are neglected, but it gives the mothers a second chance to “improve” their dissatisfying lives. Living vicariously through a child doesn’t allow them to become fully developed people with goals and dreams and know how to get what they want.
Verbal abuse
Disproportionate yelling, name-calling, or unconstructive criticism are all signs of verbal abuse. There is consistency in verbal abuse, and the toxic mom often excuses this behavior by putting more pressure on the child. Like any other abuse, it leaves a child in distress and can impact mental health in the future.
Controlling behavior
Controlling mothers are micromanaging their children even after they move out and start their own families. It includes a set of characteristics, like lack of empathy, manipulation, always getting involved instead of preparing a child for the world, and self-centered behaviors.
Boundary issues
A toxic mother has no respect for her child’s privacy, and it often extends into adulthood. For example, a toxic mother with boundary issues will read your texts, give away your secrets to your friends, or call your friends to discuss your actions. Children should learn about boundaries from adults, but in this case, they must understand them as adults.
Gaslighting
A mother who is playing a victim while distorting facts and denying her child’s experiences is engaging in gaslighting. Parents who practice gaslighting try to make up for their shortcomings and avoid accountability. This behavior won’t stop until you, as an adult, set up boundaries while trying to acknowledge and accept your feelings.
Lack of support
A toxic mother will try to convince a child they have her support, but she will not show it. It is self-centered and lacks empathy, which could damage the child’s future friendships and romantic relationships. For example, a child might suffer because they were not invited to a sleepover. A supportive parent would talk about human interactions and soothe the child, using it as a learning experience. A toxic mother would dismiss the child’s feelings and make the child feel as if it was their fault.
Playing on sibling rivalry
Good parents would teach children to support each other. Toxic mothers will compare a child to their siblings and create a rivalry that could last a lifetime. These moms will use one child to make the other feel bad and seem like the children are competing for her affection and love.
Public humiliation
Toxic moms get pleasure from publicly humiliating their children, consciously or not. It can also happen on social media since we live in a digital age. The humiliation destroys a child’s ability to trust and makes them feel unsafe in their own home. Almost all parents are guilty of embarrassing their children, but toxic ones often refuse to take responsibility and gaslight the child.
Enmeshment
If children don’t have clear boundaries, and they seem to blur out, they don’t properly learn to take care of their needs and feel guilty when their achievements or goals do not align with toxic mothers. An example of enmeshment would be a mother calling her daughter’s ex to ask about the breakup.
Guilt-tripping
Guilt tripping is another form of manipulation and can have adverse effects on a child’s emotional and mental well-being. Mothers who guilt trip their children are usually emotionally immature. It revolves around preying on a child’s emotions to reach their goals. It usually comes with conditions like, “I did this to you,” or “How dare you…” Again, recognizing this toxic trait while a child is impossible, but it can leave a child with low self-esteem and poor self-image.
Asking for perfection
A mother who asks for perfection is asking for the impossible. Children raised in a highly critical family where anything less than ideal is not accepted may develop a harsh internal critic who labels them as failures for making any mistake.
Codependency
A codependent mother relies on her child to complete her emotional needs and becomes obsessed with their life. She may be overly controlling, emotionally manipulative, and have low self-esteem. It leaves a child with suppressed emotions and a lack of sense of self.
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