19 Signs You Were Raised by Toxic Parents, According to Experts

Dr. Cassandra Boduch, chief medical officer at PsychPlus, defines a toxic individual as someone whose behavior consistently introduces aggression and distress into daily life. This definition extends to parents whose harmful behaviors can detrimentally affect their children’s well-being, both in childhood and adulthood. The influence of toxic parents can have a more severe and long-lasting impact on an individual compared to other relationships.

Repetitive Toxic Relationships

Dr. Carolina Castaños, a licensed marriage and family therapist, points out that growing up in a toxic family often leads to forming unhealthy relationships in adulthood. The relational patterns established in childhood typically persist, leading individuals to seek out partners who reflect the emotional dynamics they experienced with their toxic parents. 

This cycle can result in repeatedly entering harmful relationships or gravitating towards emotionally unavailable partners, perpetuating feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Persistent Self-Criticism

Aude Henin, Ph.D., explains that children raised in overly critical or perfectionistic environments often develop a harsh inner critic. This inner voice constantly reminds them of their failures, even in minor situations, which can severely affect their self-esteem and stress levels. 

According to a 2020 study in the International Journal of Social Psychiatry, such children are likely to grow into adults who are hard on themselves, continually feeling inadequate despite their achievements.

Compulsive Competitiveness

Anita Chlipala, LMFT, addresses the impact of being raised with a mindset of never being enough. This upbringing can instill a chronic sense of competition, where adults feel compelled to outdo others in various aspects of life to prove their worth. 

This competitive drive often stems from parental comparisons during childhood, whether with siblings or peers, fostering a perpetual feeling of inadequacy.

Low Self-Esteem 

Matthew Schubert, a licensed professional counselor and CEO of Gem State Wellness in Boise, Idaho, discusses how toxic parenting can lead to long-lasting effects on self-esteem. 

He explains that children exposed to constant criticism and emotional abuse from parents often develop significant challenges with self-esteem. This, in turn, affects their ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries, fear rejection, and manage stress and anxiety.

Emotional Avoidance in Relationships

Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, explains that individuals who experienced a lack of nurturing and enmeshment in their family might become emotionally avoidant in deeper relationships. 

This avoidance can manifest as comfort in casual interactions but discomfort and withdrawal when relationships demand more emotional intimacy. The pattern often originates from a role as a caretaker or emotional rescuer within their family, impacting their ability to engage fully in emotionally deep relationships.

Pressure to Perform 

Sherese Ezelle, a licensed behavioral therapist, discusses the profound impact that unrealistic expectations from toxic parents can have on children. These children often grow up fearing rejection and failure due to the high standards set for them.

The constant pursuit of approval and validation becomes a driving force in their lives, making them prone to overachieving or rebelling in various contexts, including their careers and personal lives. Ezelle explains that such children might experience extreme shame and hurt when faced with rejection, as their self-worth has been tightly linked to their performance and others’ approval.

Challenges in Establishing Boundaries

Matthew Schubert discusses how adults raised by toxic parents often face difficulties in establishing and maintaining boundaries. These individuals tend to prioritize the needs of others over their own, a behavior known as echoism. 

Schubert explains that echoism is closely linked to low self-esteem, as those affected may lack the confidence to assert themselves. This often results in a continuous cycle of self-neglect and accommodation.

Mismanagement of Emotional Responses

Aude Henin, Ph.D., co-director at Massachusetts General Hospital’s Child Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Program, highlights the difficulties toxic upbringing can create in regulating emotions. She notes that children from such backgrounds may not learn how to handle their emotions properly if their feelings are either dismissed or overly indulged by their parents. 

This lack of emotional regulation skills can lead to disproportionately intense reactions to everyday situations in adulthood, turning minor changes or challenges into significant sources of anxiety.

Difficulty Coping with Negative Emotions

The lack of healthy emotional coping mechanisms is another significant challenge for those who grew up with toxic parents. Schubert points out that without proper coping strategies, adults may struggle to manage stress, anger, or anxiety effectively. 

This can severely impact their daily functioning and emotional well-being, emphasizing the importance of developing robust mechanisms for emotional regulation.

Pessimistic Worldview

Dr. Cassandra Boduch highlights how a negative parental influence can shape one’s perception of the world. If a child is consistently exposed to negativity and criticism from their parents, they may grow to view the world as hostile and unforgiving. 

Boduch explains that such upbringing can lead to a generally negative outlook on life, affecting the individual’s happiness and mental health.

Fear of Rejection and Trust Issues

Inconsistent or conditional love from parents can instill a deep-seated fear of rejection and abandonment in adults, according to Schubert. This fear often hampers the ability to form close and trusting relationships. 

Boduch adds that parental dishonesty exacerbates these issues, leading to profound trust issues that can persist throughout life. This dishonesty teaches children to expect betrayal, further fueling anxiety and distrust in their personal relationships.

Being an Overachiever or Rebellious

Matthew Schubert describes how children of toxic parents often face unrealistic expectations and high standards, which can instill a persistent feeling of inadequacy. In response, children may become overachievers, striving excessively for perfection and approval, or they might rebel against expectations to garner attention. 

Schubert explains that both overachievement and rebellion can be ways for children to cope with the lack of validation they feel at home, and these behaviors can extend into adulthood as learned responses.

Neglecting Personal Emotional Needs

Children raised by toxic parents frequently learn to put others’ needs before their own, a pattern that can carry into adulthood and affect their relationships and self-care. Henin explains that prioritizing others’ emotions and needs might initially seem to control anxiety or conflict, but ultimately, it leads to neglecting one’s emotional well-being and building resentment. 

This dynamic can make individuals feel out of touch with their authentic selves, struggling to recognize and meet their own emotional and psychological needs.

Disconnect from Authentic Self

The effects of toxic parenting extend into personal identity and self-perception. Many adults who were raised by toxic parents find it difficult to connect with their true selves, fearing rejection or judgment if they reveal their authentic identities. 

This disconnection can manifest as perfectionism and a chronic feeling of inadequacy. For some, the journey to self-acceptance and overcoming the invalidation of their feelings and identity can take years of therapy and support groups.

Saying ‘Sorry’ All the Time 

Henin highlights that children of toxic parents may develop heightened sensitivity to the needs and emotions of others as a survival tactic, leading to frequent, unnecessary apologies. 

This behavior can be a way to ensure emotional safety by preemptively addressing potential discontent among those around them, even in situations they cannot control, such as bad weather.

Feeling Responsible for Parents’ Behavior

Many adults who grew up with toxic parents carry a heavy burden of feeling responsible for their parents’ actions and emotions. This dynamic can stem from parents who prioritized their needs over their children’s or who responded unpredictably to their children’s behaviors. 

Sherese Ezelle points out that this often leads to adults believing they must manage every aspect of their surroundings to avoid triggering negative responses, perpetuating a cycle of guilt and responsibility for situations beyond their control.

Dependency in Adult Relationships

Growing up feeling neglected or unseen can lead to an overwhelming need for connection and validation in adulthood, Higgins points out. 

This drive can result in dependency behaviors that feel insatiable, as adults continuously seek reassurance from others to feel seen, loved, and needed.

Avoidance of Parents

Higgins notes that outright avoidance of parents can be a clear sign of unresolved issues from childhood. 

This behavior might indicate difficulties in dealing with past family dynamics that were unsatisfying or harmful, leading to a simpler decision to cut off contact rather than address the underlying conflicts.

Reliance on External Validation

Ezelle discusses how a lack of self-validation, stemming from toxic parental interactions, can lead adults to seek continuous approval from others. 

Growing up with demeaning communication can condition individuals to depend heavily on external validation for even trivial decisions, like choosing what to eat. This dependency can significantly affect their ability to trust their own judgment and feel confident in their choices.

15 Traits of Adults Who Experienced Emotional Neglect in Childhood

Not enough love as a kid can mess people up long-term, so it’s key to spot and fix emotional neglect:

15 Traits of Adults Who Experienced Emotional Neglect in Childhood